Justine 淑女的眼泪 Chapter 58

"Begone, Father," I replied, horror-struck, "begone, you are a monster to dare so cruelly take advantage of my circumstances in order to force upon me the alternatives of death or infamy¹; I shall know how to die, if die I must, but 'twill be to die sinless."

 

"As you like," quoth the cruel man as he prepared to withdraw; "I have never been one to impose happiness upon reluctant people.... Virtue² has so handsomely served you until the present, Therese, you are quite right to worship at its altar... good-bye: above all, let it not occur to you to ask for me again."

 

He was leaving; an unconquerable impulse drew me to his knees yet another time.

 

"Tiger!" I exclaimed through my tears, "open your granite³ heart, let my appalling⁴ misadventures melt it, and do not, in order to conclude them, do not impose conditions more dreadful to me than death itself...."

 

The violence of my movements had disturbed what veiled my breast, it was naked, my disheveled hair fell in cascades⁶ upon it, it was wetted thoroughly⁷ by my tears; I quicken desires in the dishonest man... desires he wants to satisfy on the spot; he dares discover to me to what point my state arouses them; he dares dream of pleasures lying in the middle of the chains binding⁸ me and beneath the sword which is poised⁹ to smite¹⁰ me... I was upon my knees... he flings me backward, leaps upon me, there we lie upon the wretched straw I use for a bed; I wish to cry out, he stuffs his handkerchief into my mouth; he ties my arms; master of me, the infamous¹¹ creature examines me everywhere... everything becomes prey¹² to his gaze, his fingerings, his perfidious¹³ caresses¹⁴; at last, he appeases¹⁵ his desires.

 

"Listen to me," says he, untying¹⁶ me and readjusting his costume, "you do not want me to be helpful, all very well; I am leaving you; I'll neither aid nor harm you, but if it enters your head to breathe a word of what has just happened, I will, by charging you with yet more enormous crimes, instantly deprive you of all means of defending yourself; reflect carefully before jabbering¹⁸... I am taken for your confessor... now hark: we are permitted to reveal anything and all when 'tis a question of a criminal; fully¹⁷ approve what I am going to say to your warden¹⁹, or else I'll crush you like a fly."

 

He knocks, the jailer appears.

 

"Monsieur," says the traitor²⁰, "the nice young lady is in error; she wished to speak to a Father Antonin who is now in Bordeaux; I have no acquaintance of her, never have I even set eyes upon her: she besought²¹ me to hear her confession²², I did so, I salute²³ you and her and shall always be ready to present myself when my ministry²⁴ is esteemed²⁵ important."

 

Upon uttering these words, Antonin departs and leaves me as much bewildered by his fraudulence as revolted by his libertinage²⁶ and insolence²⁷.

 

My situation was so dreadful that, whatever it might be, I could ill afford not to employ every means at my disposal; I recollected²⁸ Monsieur de Saint-Florent: in the light of my behavior toward him, I was incapable²⁹ of believing this man could underestimate my character; once long ago I had rendered him a most important service, he had dealt most cruelly with me, and therefore I imagined he could not, in my presently critical plight³⁰, very well refuse to make reparation for the wrongs he had done me; no, I was sure he would at least have to acknowledge, as best he were able, what I had so generously done in his behalf; passions' heat might have blinded him upon the two occasions I had held commerce with him; there had been some sort of excuse for his former horrors, but in this instance, it seemed to me, no feeling should prevent him from coming to my aid.... Would he renew his last proposals? to the assistance I was going to request from him would he attach the condition I must agree to the frightful³¹ employments he had outlined to me before? ah, very well! I'd accept and, once free, I should easily discover the means to extricate³² myself from the abominable³³ kind of existence into which he might have the baseness to lure³⁴ me. Full of these ideas, I write a letter to him, I describe my miseries³⁵, I beg him to visit me; but I had not devoted³⁶ adequate thought to analyzing³⁷ this man's soul when I supposed it susceptible³⁸ of infiltration³⁹ by beneficence; I either did not sufficiently⁴⁰ remember his appalling theories, or my wretched weakness constantly forcing me to use my own heart as the standard by which to judge others, fancied this man was bound to comport⁴¹ himself toward me as I should certainly have done toward him.

 

He arrives; and, as I have asked to see him alone, he is freely introduced into my cell. From the marks of respect showered profusely⁴² upon him it was easy to determine the eminent⁴³ position he held in Lyon.

 

"Why, it's you!" said he, casting scornful eyes upon me, "I was deceived by the letter; I thought it written by a woman more honest than you and whom I would have helped with all my heart; but what would you have me do for an imbecile of your breed? What! you're guilty of a hundred crimes one more shocking than the other, and when someone suggests a way for you to earn your livelihood⁴⁴ you stubbornly reject the proposal? Never has stupidity been carried to these lengths."

 

"Oh, Monsieur I" I cried, "I am not in the least guilty."

 

"Then what the devil must one do in order to be?" the harsh creature sharply rejoined. "The first time in my life I clapped eyes on you, there you were, in the thick of a pack of bandits who wanted to assassinate⁴⁵ me; and now it is in the municipal prison I discover you, accused of three or four new crimes and wearing, so they tell me, a mark on your shoulder which proclaims your former misdeeds. If that is what you designate by the word honest, do inform me of what it would require not to be."

 

"Just Heaven, Monsieur!" I replied, "can you excoriate⁴⁶ that period in my life when I knew you, and should it not rather be for me to make you blush at the memory of what passed then? You know very well, Monsieur, the bandits who captured you, and amongst whom you found me, kept me with them by force; they wanted to kill you, I saved your life by facilitating your escape while making mine; and what, cruel man, did you do to thank me for my aid? is it possible you can recall your actions without horror? You yourself wanted to murder me; you dazed me by terrible blows and, profiting from my half-unconscious state, you snatched from me what I prized most highly; through an unexampled refinement⁴⁷ of cruelty, you plundered⁴⁸ me of the little money I possessed⁴⁹ quite as if you had desired to summon humiliation⁵⁰ and misery⁵¹ to complete your victim's obliteration⁵²! And great was your success, barbaric one! indeed, it has been entire; 'tis you who precipitated⁵³ me into desolation; 'tis you who made the abyss to yawn, and 'tis thanks to you I fell into it and have not ceased to fall since that accursed moment. "Nevertheless, Monsieur, I would forget it all, yes, everything is effaced⁵⁴ from my memory, I even ask your pardon for daring to upbraid⁵⁵ you for what is past, but can you hide from yourself the fact that some recompense, some gratitude⁵⁶ is owing to me? Ah, deign⁵⁷ not to seal up your heart when the wing of death brushes its shadow over my unhappy days; 'tis not death I fear, but disgrace; save me from the dread⁵ horror of a criminal's end: all I demand from you comes to that single mercy, refuse me it not, and both Heaven and my heart will reward you someday."

 

I was weeping, I was upon my knees before this ferocious⁵⁸ man and, far from reading upon his face the effect I thought I should be able to expect from the disturbances⁵⁹ I flattered myself I was producing in his soul, I distinguished⁶⁰ nothing but a muscular alteration⁶¹ caused by that sort of lust⁶² whose germinal origins are in cruelty. Saint-Florent was seated opposite me; his wicked dark eyes considered me in a dreadful manner, and I noticed his hand glide⁶³ to a certain sector⁶⁴ and his fingers begin to perform those certain motions which indicated I was putting him in a state which was by no means that of pity; he concealed⁶⁵ himself withal, and, getting to his feet:

 

"Look here," he said, "your case rests entirely⁶⁶ in the hands of Monsieur de Cardoville; I need not tell you what official post he occupies; it suffices that you know your fate depends absolutely upon him; he and I have been intimate friends since childhood; I shall speak to him; if he agrees to a few arrangements, you will be called for at sunset and in order that he may see you, you'll be brought to either his home or mine; such an interrogation, wrapped in secrecy⁶⁷, will make it much simpler to turn matters in your favor, which could not possibly be done here. If he consents to bestow⁶⁸ the favor, justify⁶⁹ yourself when you have your interview with him, prove your innocence⁷⁰ to him in a persuasive⁷¹ manner; that is all I can do for you. Adieu, Therese, keep yourself ready for any eventuality and above all do not have me waste my time taking futile⁷² measures." Saint-Florent left.

 

Nothing could have equaled my perplexity; there had been so little harmony between that man's remarks, the character I knew him to have, and his actual conduct, that I dreaded⁷³ yet further pitfalls⁷⁴; but, Madame, pause a moment and decide whether I was right or wrong; was I in a position to hesitate? for my position was desperate; and was I not obliged to leap at everything which had the semblance⁷⁵ of assistance? Hence I decided⁷⁶ to accompany the persons who would come to fetch me; should I be compelled to prostitute myself, I would put up what defense⁷⁷ I could; was it to death I was to be led? too bad; it would not, at least, be ignominious⁷⁸, and I would be rid of all my sufferings. Nine o'clock strikes, the jailer appears, I tremble.

 

"Follow me," that Cerberus says; "you are wanted by Messieurs Saint-Florent and de Cardoville; consider well and take advantage, as it befits you, of the favor Heaven offers you; there are many here who might desire such a blessing⁷⁹ and who will never obtain it."

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