Little Women - Chapter 41

Amy's lecture did Laurie good, though, of course, he did not own it till long afterward¹. Men seldom do, for when women are the advisers², the lords of creation don't take the advice till they have persuaded themselves that it is just what they intended to do. Then they act upon it, and, if it succeeds, they give the weaker vessel³ half the credit of it. If it fails, they generously give her the whole. Laurie went back to his grandfather, and was so dutifully devoted⁴ for several weeks that the old gentleman declared the climate of Nice had improved him wonderfully, and he had better try it again. There was nothing the young gentleman would have liked better, but elephants could not have dragged him back after the scolding he had received. Pride forbid, and whenever the longing⁵ grew very strong, he fortified⁶ his resolution by repeating the words that had made the deepest impression - "I despise you." "Go and do something splendid that will make her love you."

 

Laurie turned the matter over in his mind so often that he soon brought himself to confess that he had been selfish and lazy, but then when a man has a great sorrow, he should be indulged in all sorts of vagaries⁷ till he has lived it down. He felt that his blighted⁸ affections were quite dead now, and though he should never cease to be a faithful mourner, there was no occasion to wear his weeds ostentatiously. Jo wouldn't love him, but he might make her respect and admire him by doing something which should prove that a girl's 'No' had not spoiled his life. He had always meant to do something, and Amy's advice was quite unnecessary. He had only been waiting till the aforesaid blighted affections were decently interred⁹. That being done, he felt that he was ready to 'hide his stricken heart, and still toil¹⁰ on'.

 

As Goethe, when he had a joy or a grief, put it into a song, so Laurie resolved to embalm¹¹ his love sorrow in music, and to compose a Requiem¹² which should harrow up Jo's soul and melt the heart of every hearer. Therefore the next time the old gentleman found him getting restless and moody¹³ and ordered him off, he went to Vienna, where he had musical friends, and fell to work with the firm determination to distinguish himself. But whether the sorrow was too vast to be embodied¹⁴ in music, or music too ethereal to uplift a mortal woe¹⁵, he soon discovered that the Requiem was beyond him just at present. It was evident that his mind was not in working order yet, and his ideas needed clarifying, for often in the middle of a plaintive¹⁷ strain, he would find himself humming a dancing tune¹⁸ that vividly¹⁹ recalled the Christmas ball at Nice, especially the stout²⁰ Frenchman, and put an effectual stop to tragic²¹ composition for the time being.

 

Then he tried an opera, for nothing seemed impossible in the beginning, but here again unforeseen difficulties beset²² him. He wanted Jo for his heroine, and called upon his memory to supply him with tender recollections and romantic visions of his love. But memory turned traitor²³, and as if possessed²⁴ by the perverse²⁵ spirit of the girl, would only recall Jo's oddities, faults, and freaks, would only show her in the most unsentimental aspects - beating mats with her head tied up in a bandanna²⁶, barricading²⁷ herself with the sofa pillow, or throwing cold water over his passion a la Gummidge - and an irresistable laugh spoiled the pensive²⁸ picture he was endeavoring to paint. Jo wouldn't be put into the opera at any price, and he had to give her up with a "Bless that girl, what a torment²⁹ she is!" and a clutch at his hair, as became a distracted composer.

 

When he looked about him for another and a less intractable damsel to immortalize in melody, memory produced one with the most obliging readiness. This phantom³⁰ wore many faces, but it always had golden hair, was enveloped³¹ in a diaphanous³² cloud, and floated airily before his mind's eye in a pleasing chaos³³ of roses, peacocks, white ponies³⁴, and blue ribbons. He did not give the complacent³⁵ wraith³⁶ any name, but he took her for his heroine and grew quite fond of her, as well he might, for he gifted her with every gift and grace under the sun, and escorted her, unscathed, through trials which would have annihilated³⁷ any mortal woman.

 

Thanks to this inspiration, he got on swimmingly for a time, but gradually the work lost its charm, and he forgot to compose, while he sat musing³⁸, pen in hand, or roamed about the gay city to get some new ideas and refresh his mind, which seemed to be in a somewhat unsettled state that winter. He did not do much, but he thought a great deal and was conscious of a change of some sort going on in spite of himself. "It's genius simmering, perhaps. I'll let it simmer, and see what comes of it," he said, with a secret suspicion all the while that it wasn't genius, but something far more common. Whatever it was, it simmered to some purpose, for he grew more and more discontented with his desultory³⁹ life, began to long for some real and earnest work to go at, soul and body, and finally came to the wise conclusion that everyone who loved music was not a composer. Returning from one of Mozart's grand operas, splendidly performed at the Royal Theatre, he looked over his own, played a few of the best parts, sat staring at the busts⁴⁰ of Mendelssohn, Beethoven, and Bach, who stared benignly⁴¹ back again. Then suddenly he tore up his music sheets, one by one, and as the last fluttered out of his hand, he said soberly to himself . . .

 

"She is right! Talent isn't genius, and you can't make it so. That music has taken the vanity out of me as Rome took it out of her, and I won't be a humbug⁴² any longer. Now what shall I do?"

 

That seemed a hard question to answer, and Laurie began to wish he had to work for his daily bread. Now if ever, occurred an eligible⁴³ opportunity for 'going to the devil', as he once forcibly expressed it, for he had plenty of money and nothing to do, and Satan is proverbially fond of providing employment for full and idle hands. The poor fellow had temptations enough from without and from within, but he withstood them pretty well, for much as he valued liberty, he valued good faith and confidence more, so his promise to his grandfather, and his desire to be able to look honestly into the eyes of the women who loved him, and say "All's well," kept him safe and steady.

 

Very likely some Mrs. Grundy will observe, "I don't believe it, boys will be boys, young men must sow their wild oats, and women must not expect miracles." I dare say you don't, Mrs. Grundy, but it's true nevertheless. Women work a good many miracles, and I have a persuasion⁴⁴ that they may perform even that of raising the standard of manhood by refusing to echo such sayings. Let the boys be boys, the longer the better, and let the young men sow their wild oats if they must. But mothers, sisters, and friends may help to make the crop a small one, and keep many tares⁴⁵ from spoiling the harvest, by believing, and showing that they believe, in the possibility of loyalty⁴⁶ to the virtues⁴⁷ which make men manliest⁴⁸ in good women's eyes. If it is a feminine delusion⁴⁹, leave us to enjoy it while we may, for without it half the beauty and the romance of life is lost, and sorrowful forebodings would embitter⁵⁰ all our hopes of the brave, tenderhearted little lads, who still love their mothers better than themselves and are not ashamed to own it.

 

Laurie thought that the task of forgetting his love for Jo would absorb all his powers for years, but to his great surprise he discovered it grew easier every day. He refused to believe it at first, got angry with himself, and couldn't understand it, but these hearts of ours are curious and contrary things, and time and nature work their will in spite of us. Laurie's heart wouldn't ache. The wound persisted in healing with a rapidity that astonished him, and instead of trying to forget, he found himself trying to remember. He had not foreseen this turn of affairs, and was not prepared for it. He was disgusted with himself, surprised at his own fickleness⁵¹, and full of a queer mixture of disappointment and relief that he could recover from such a tremendous blow so soon. He carefully stirred up the embers of his lost love, but they refused to burst into a blaze. There was only a comfortable glow that warmed and did him good without putting him into a fever, and he was reluctantly obliged to confess that the boyish passion was slowly subsiding⁵² into a more tranquil⁵³ sentiment, very tender, a little sad and resentful still, but that was sure to pass away in time, leaving a brotherly affection which would last unbroken to the end.

 

As the word 'brotherly' passed through his mind in one of his reveries, he smiled, and glanced up at the picture of Mozart that was before him . . .

 

"Well, he was a great man, and when he couldn't have one sister he took the other, and was happy."

 

Laurie did not utter the words, but he thought them, and the next instant kissed the little old ring, saying to himself, "No, I won't! I haven't forgotten, I never can. I'll try again, and if that fails, why then . . ."

 

Leaving his sentence unfinished, he seized pen and paper and wrote to Jo, telling her that he could not settle to anything while there was the least hope of her changing her mind. Couldn't she, wouldn't she - and let him come home and be happy? While waiting for an answer he did nothing, but he did it energetically, for he was in a fever of impatience⁵⁴. It came at last, and settled his mind effectually on one point, for Jo decidedly couldn't and wouldn't. She was wrapped up in Beth, and never wished to hear the word love again. Then she begged him to be happy with somebody else, but always keep a little corner of his heart for his loving sister Jo. In a postscript⁵⁶ she desired him not to tell Amy that Beth was worse, she was coming home in the spring and there was no need of saddening the remainder of her stay. That would be time enough, please God, but Laurie must write to her often, and not let her feel lonely, homesick or anxious.

 

"So I will, at once. Poor little girl, it will be a sad going home for her, I'm afraid," and Laurie opened his desk, as if writing to Amy had been the proper conclusion of the sentence left unfinished some weeks before.

 

But he did not write the letter that day, for as he rummaged⁵⁷ out his best paper, he came across something which changed his purpose. Tumbling about in one part of the desk among bills, passports, and business documents of various kinds were several of Jo's letters, and in another compartment⁵⁸ were three notes from Amy, carefully tied up with one of her blue ribbons and sweetly suggestive of the little dead roses put away inside. With a half-repentant, half-amused expression, Laurie gathered up all Jo's letters, smoothed, folded, and put them neatly⁵⁹ into a small drawer of the desk, stood a minute turning the ring thoughtfully on his finger, then slowly drew it off, laid it with the letters, locked the drawer, and went out to hear High Mass at Saint Stefan's, feeling as if there had been a funeral, and though not overwhelmed with affliction, this seemed a more proper way to spend the rest of the day than in writing letters to charming young ladies.

 

The letter went very soon, however, and was promptly⁶⁰ answered, for Amy was homesick, and confessed it in the most delightfully⁶¹ confiding⁶² manner. The correspondence flourished famously, and letters flew to and fro with unfailing regularity⁶³ all through the early spring. Laurie sold his busts, made allumettes of his opera, and went back to Paris, hoping somebody would arrive before long. He wanted desperately⁶⁴ to go to Nice, but would not till he was asked, and Amy would not ask him, for just then she was having little experiences of her own, which made her rather wish to avoid the quizzical eyes of 'our boy'.

 

Fred Vaughn had returned, and put the question to which she had once decided⁵⁵ to answer, "Yes, thank you," but now she said, "No, thank you," kindly⁶⁵ but steadily⁶⁶, for when the time came, her courage failed her, and she found that something more than money and position was needed to satisfy the new longing that filled her heart so full of tender hopes and fears. The words, "Fred is a good fellow, but not at all the man I fancied you would ever like," and Laurie's face when he uttered them, kept returning to her as pertinaciously⁶⁷ as her own did when she said in look, if not in words, "I shall marry for money." It troubled her to remember that now, she wished she could take it back, it sounded so unwomanly. She didn't want Laurie to think her a heartless, worldly creature. She didn't care to be a queen of society now half so much as she did to be a lovable woman. She was so glad he didn't hate her for the dreadful things she said, but took them so beautifully and was kinder than ever. His letters were such a comfort, for the home letters were very irregular and not half so satisfactory as his when they did come. It was not only a pleasure, but a duty to answer them, for the poor fellow was forlorn, and needed petting, since Jo persisted in being stonyhearted. She ought to have made an effort and tried to love him. It couldn't be very hard, many people would be proud and glad to have such a dear boy care for them. But Jo never would act like other girls, so there was nothing to do but be very kind and treat him like a brother.

 

If all brothers were treated as well as Laurie was at this period, they would be a much happier race of beings than they are. Amy never lectured now. She asked his opinion on all subjects, she was interested in everything he did, made charming little presents for him, and sent him two letters a week, full of lively gossip, sisterly confidences, and captivating sketches⁶⁹ of the lovely scenes about her. As few brothers are complimented by having their letters carried about in their sister's pockets, read and reread diligently⁷⁰, cried over when short, kissed when long, and treasured carefully, we will not hint that Amy did any of these fond and foolish things. But she certainly did grow a little pale and pensive that spring, lost much of her relish⁷¹ for society, and went out sketching⁷² alone a good deal. She never had much to show when she came home, but was studying nature, I dare say, while she sat for hours, with her hands folded, on the terrace at Valrosa, or absently sketched⁷³ any fancy that occurred to her, a stalwart knight⁷⁴ carved on a tomb, a young man asleep in the grass, with his hat over his eyes, or a curly haired girl in gorgeous array, promenading⁷⁵ down a ballroom⁷⁶ on the arm of a tall gentleman, both faces being left a blur⁷⁷ according to the last fashion in art, which was safe but not altogether satisfactory.

 

Her aunt thought that she regretted her answer to Fred, and finding denials useless and explanations impossible, Amy left her to think what she liked, taking care that Laurie should know that Fred had gone to Egypt. That was all, but he understood it, and looked relieved, as he said to himself, with a venerable air . . .

 

"I was sure she would think better of it. Poor old fellow! I've been through it all, and I can sympathize."

 

With that he heaved a great sigh, and then, as if he had discharged his duty to the past, put his feet up on the sofa and enjoyed Amy's letter luxuriously⁷⁹.

 

While these changes were going on abroad, trouble had come at home. But the letter telling that Beth was failing never reached Amy, and when the next found her at Vevay, for the heat had driven them from Nice in May, and they had travelled slowly to Switzerland, by way of Genoa and the Italian lakes. She bore it very well, and quietly submitted to the family decree that she should not shorten her visit, for since it was too late to say goodbye to Beth, she had better stay, and let absence soften⁸⁰ her sorrow. But her heart was very heavy, she longed to be at home, and every day looked wistfully across the lake, waiting for Laurie to come and comfort her.

 

He did come very soon, for the same mail brought letters to them both, but he was in Germany, and it took some days to reach him. The moment he read it, he packed his knapsack, bade adieu to his fellow pedestrians⁸¹, and was off to keep his promise, with a heart full of joy and sorrow, hope and suspense⁸².

 

He knew Vevay well, and as soon as the boat touched the little quay⁸³, he hurried along the shore to La Tour, where the Carrols were living en pension. The garcon was in despair that the whole family had gone to take a promenade⁸⁴ on the lake, but no, the blonde mademoiselle might be in the chateau⁸⁵ garden. If monsieur would give himself the pain of sitting down, a flash of time should present her. But monsieur could not wait even a 'flash of time', and in the middle of the speech departed to find mademoiselle himself.

 

A pleasant old garden on the borders of the lovely lake, with chestnuts⁸⁶ rustling⁸⁷ overhead, ivy⁸⁸ climbing everywhere, and the black shadow of the tower falling far across the sunny water. At one corner of the wide, low wall was a seat, and here Amy often came to read or work, or console herself with the beauty all about her. She was sitting here that day, leaning her head on her hand, with a homesick heart and heavy eyes, thinking of Beth and wondering why Laurie did not come. She did not hear him cross the courtyard beyond, nor see him pause in the archway that led from the subterranean⁸⁹ path into the garden. He stood a minute looking at her with new eyes, seeing what no one had ever seen before, the tender side of Amy's character. Everything about her mutely suggested love and sorrow, the blotted⁹⁰ letters in her lap, the black ribbon that tied up her hair, the womanly pain and patience in her face, even the little ebony cross at her throat seemed pathetic to Laurie, for he had given it to her, and she wore it as her only ornament⁹¹. If he had any doubts about the reception she would give him, they were set at rest the minute she looked up and saw him, for dropping everything, she ran to him, exclaiming in a tone of unmistakable love and longing . . .

 

"Oh, Laurie, Laurie, I knew you'd come to me!"

 

I think everything was said and settled then, for as they stood together quite silent for a moment, with the dark head bent⁹² down protectingly over the light one, Amy felt that no one could comfort and sustain her so well as Laurie, and Laurie decided that Amy was the only woman in the world who could fill Jo's place and make him happy. He did not tell her so, but she was not disappointed, for both felt the truth, were satisfied, and gladly left the rest to silence.

 

In a minute Amy went back to her place, and while she dried her tears, Laurie gathered up the scattered⁹³ papers, finding in the sight of sundry⁹⁴ well-worn letters and suggestive sketches good omens⁹⁵ for the future. As he sat down beside her, Amy felt shy again, and turned rosy⁹⁶ red at the recollection of her impulsive⁹⁷ greeting.

 

"I couldn't help it, I felt so lonely and sad, and was so very glad to see you. It was such a surprise to look up and find you, just as I was beginning to fear you wouldn't come," she said, trying in vain to speak quite naturally.

 

"I came the minute I heard. I wish I could say something to comfort you for the loss of dear little Beth, but I can only feel, and . . ." He could not get any further, for he too turned bashful all of a sudden, and did not quite know what to say. He longed to lay Amy's head down on his shoulder, and tell her to have a good cry, but he did not dare, so took her hand instead, and gave it a sympathetic squeeze that was better than words.

 

"You needn't say anything, this comforts me," she said softly. "Beth is well and happy, and I mustn't wish her back, but I dread⁶⁸ the going home, much as I long to see them all. We won't talk about it now, for it makes me cry, and I want to enjoy you while you stay. You needn't go right back, need you?"

 

"Not if you want me, dear."

 

"I do, so much. Aunt and Flo are very kind, but you seem like one of the family, and it would be so comfortable to have you for a little while."

 

Amy spoke⁹⁸ and looked so like a homesick child whose heart was full that Laurie forgot his bashfulness all at once, and gave her just what she wanted - the petting she was used to and the cheerful conversation she needed.

 

"Poor little soul, you look as if you'd grieved yourself half sick! I'm going to take care of you, so don't cry any more, but come and walk about with me, the wind is too chilly⁹⁹ for you to sit still," he said, in the half-caressing, half-commanding way that Amy liked, as he tied on her hat, drew her arm through his, and began to pace up and down the sunny walk under the new-leaved chestnuts. He felt more at ease upon his legs, and Amy found it pleasant to have a strong arm to lean upon, a familiar face to smile at her, and a kind voice to talk delightfully for her alone.

 

The quaint¹⁰⁰ old garden had sheltered many pairs of lovers, and seemed expressly made for them, so sunny and secluded¹⁰¹ was it, with nothing but the tower to overlook them, and the wide lake to carry away the echo of their words, as it rippled¹⁰² by below. For an hour this new pair walked and talked, or rested on the wall, enjoying the sweet influences which gave such a charm to time and place, and when an unromantic dinner bell warned them away, Amy felt as if she left her burden of loneliness and sorrow behind her in the chateau garden.

 

The moment Mrs. Carrol saw the girl's altered face, she was illuminated¹⁰³ with a new idea, and exclaimed to herself, "Now I understand it all - the child has been pining for young Laurence. Bless my heart, I never thought of such a thing!"

 

With praiseworthy discretion¹⁰⁴, the good lady said nothing, and betrayed no sign of enlightenment, but cordially urged Laurie to stay and begged Amy to enjoy his society, for it would do her more good than so much solitude¹⁰⁵. Amy was a model of docility¹⁰⁶, and as her aunt was a good deal occupied with Flo, she was left to entertain her friend, and did it with more than her usual success.

 

At Nice, Laurie had lounged and Amy had scolded. At Vevay, Laurie was never idle, but always walking, riding, boating, or studying in the most energetic manner, while Amy admired everything he did and followed his example as far and as fast as she could. He said the change was owing to the climate, and she did not contradict him, being glad of a like excuse for her own recovered health and spirits.

 

The invigorating air did them both good, and much exercise worked wholesome¹⁰⁷ changes in minds as well as bodies. They seemed to get clearer views of life and duty up there among the everlasting¹⁰⁸ hills. The fresh winds blew away desponding doubts, delusive¹⁰⁹ fancies, and moody mists. The warm spring sunshine brought out all sorts of aspiring¹¹⁰ ideas, tender hopes, and happy thoughts. The lake seemed to wash away the troubles of the past, and the grand old mountains to look benignly down upon them saying, "Little children, love one another."

 

In spite of the new sorrow, it was a very happy time, so happy that Laurie could not bear to disturb it by a word. It took him a little while to recover from his surprise at the cure of his first, and as he had firmly believed, his last and only love. He consoled himself for the seeming disloyalty by the thought that Jo's sister was almost the same as Jo's self, and the conviction that it would have been impossible to love any other woman but Amy so soon and so well. His first wooing had been of the tempestuous¹¹¹ order, and he looked back upon it as if through a long vista¹¹² of years with a feeling of compassion¹¹³ blended with regret. He was not ashamed of it, but put it away as one of the bitter-sweet experiences of his life, for which he could be grateful when the pain was over. His second wooing, he resolved, should be as calm and simple as possible. There was no need of having a scene, hardly any need of telling Amy that he loved her, she knew it without words and had given him his answer long ago. It all came about so naturally that no one could complain, and he knew that everybody would be pleased, even Jo. But when our first little passion has been crushed, we are apt to be wary¹¹⁴ and slow in making a second trial, so Laurie let the days pass, enjoying every hour, and leaving to chance the utterance¹¹⁵ of the word that would put an end to the first and sweetest part of his new romance.

 

He had rather imagined that the denoument would take place in the chateau garden by moonlight, and in the most graceful¹¹⁶ and decorous manner, but it turned out exactly the reverse, for the matter was settled on the lake at noonday in a few blunt words. They had been floating about all the morning, from gloomy St. Gingolf to sunny Montreux, with the Alps of Savoy on one side, Mont St. Bernard and the Dent¹⁶ du Midi on the other, pretty Vevay in the valley, and Lausanne upon the hill beyond, a cloudless blue sky overhead, and the bluer lake below, dotted with the picturesque¹¹⁷ boats that look like white-winged gulls¹¹⁸.

 

They had been talking of Bonnivard, as they glided¹¹⁹ past Chillon, and of Rousseau, as they looked up at Clarens, where he wrote his Heloise. Neither had read it, but they knew it was a love story, and each privately¹²⁰ wondered if it was half as interesting as their own. Amy had been dabbling¹²¹ her hand in the water during the little pause that fell between them, and when she looked up, Laurie was leaning on his oars¹²³ with an expression in his eyes that made her say hastily, merely for the sake of saying something . . .

 

"You must be tired. Rest a little, and let me row. It will do me good, for since you came I have been altogether lazy and luxurious⁷⁸."

 

"I'm not tired, but you may take an oar¹²², if you like. There's room enough, though I have to sit nearly in the middle, else the boat won't trim," returned Laurie, as if he rather liked the arrangement.

 

Feeling that she had not mended matters much, Amy took the offered third of a seat, shook her hair over her face, and accepted an oar. She rowed as well as she did many other things, and though she used both hands, and Laurie but one, the oars kept time, and the boat went smoothly¹²⁴ through the water.

 

"How well we pull together, don't we?" said Amy, who objected to silence just then.

 

"So well that I wish we might always pull in the same boat. Will you, Amy?" very tenderly.

 

"Yes, Laurie," very low.

 

Then they both stopped rowing, and unconsciously added a pretty little tableau¹²⁵ of human love and happiness to the dissolving views reflected in the lake.

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