PARUL BANSAL剃完光头的我 下

I was forced to examine all of me with a bald head.

 

我不得不光着头审视自己。

 

Do I look feminine? Am I Indian?

 

我看起来有女人味吗？我是印度人吗？

 

Am I even attractive? Do I fit in?

 

我到底有没有吸引力？我能适应吗？

 

'Cause I sure as hell feel like I stand out.

 

因为我真的像在地狱一样，感觉我很另类。

 

You know, it's as if I had this cup of who I was, and it was full to the brim of other people's ideas.

 

你知道，这就好像一个我自己的杯子，里面却充斥着别人的想法。

 

When I shaved my head, I went like this, and now, I have this empty cup.

 

当我剃光头的时候，就像这样我把所有的东西都倒掉，现在我有一个空杯子。

 

And I don't know what to do with it.

 

我不知道该怎么处理它。

 

I was drawn¹ out of hiding by many role models.

 

许多榜样把我从躲藏的地方拉了出来。

 

I was inspired by the queer community who showed me that the spectrum² of identity exists beyond conformity³.

 

我受到了同性恋群体的启发，他们向我展示了超越一致性的身份。

 

I was inspired by black women who invited me into their safe spaces beyond a world that still polices their hair.

 

我受到黑人女性的启发，她们邀请我进入她们的安全空间，超越了那个监管头发的世界。

 

I was inspired by a mere⁴ workshop, which asked me to lock eyes with myself and acknowledge my own existence.

 

我的灵感仅仅来自一个研讨会，它让我凝视自己，承认自己的存在。

 

But it wasn't until November 21, 2018, that I truly saw myself for the very first time.

 

但直到2018年11月21日，我才真正看到了自己。

 

And in of all places, it was during six hours of video meetings where I couldn't help but notice her in that tiny little video chat box.

 

在所有的地方，正是在六个小时的视频会议期间，我忍不住注意到她在那个小小的视频聊天框里。

 

She looked gentle, yet fierce.

 

她看起来温文尔雅，但又很暴躁。

 

Oh my god, that bald chick, she is me. I am her.

 

天哪，那个光头小妞，她就是我。我就是她。

 

For the first time in my life, it felt like my insides and outsides were in alignment⁶.

 

这是我有生以来第一次感觉到我的内在和外在是一致的。

 

I looked like how I feel, and I feel like me.

 

我看起来就像我感觉的那样，我感觉就像我自己。

 

And you know what? I fxxking love my shaved head. I mean, I look like the future.

 

你知道吗？我真喜欢我的光头。我是说，我看起来就像是未来。

 

I decided⁷ that every seemingly opposing version of myself could truly coexist, my Indian roots,my Canadian upbringing, my femininity, and my fierceness, my love for hip⁸ hop⁵, and my vintage teacup collection.

 

我认为每一个看似对立的自我都可以真正共存，我有印度血统，我在加拿大成长，我的女性气质，我的狂热，我对嘻哈的热爱，还有我收藏的复古茶杯。

 

There is no box to fill, no cup to fill, and no should to hold us down.

 

没有盒子要装满，没有杯子要装满，也没有什么应该拖累我们。

 

I mean, I'm bald as fxxk, so why not be bold as fxxk?

 

我都是光头了，为什么不大胆一点呢？

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