Joke: Only In The Movies

1. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.

2. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

3. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.

4. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

5. It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

6. Once applied¹, lipstick² will never rub off - even while scuba³ diving.

7. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.

8. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

9. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.

10. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious⁴ beating but will wince⁵ when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

11. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random⁶ and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

12. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump⁷ of your arm to grow by 15cm.

13. During all police investigations⁸, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

14. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.

15. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.

16. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.

17. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

18. All single women have a cat.

19. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

20. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing⁹ them all than 20 men firing at one.

21. Creepy music coming from a graveyard¹⁰ should always be closely investigated.

22. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.

23. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involved martial¹¹ arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor¹².

24. During a very emotional confrontation¹³, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.

25. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

26. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.

27. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

28. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery¹⁴ involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

29. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.

30. Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions¹⁵ - can be played without moving the fingers.

31. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing¹⁶ devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

32. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

33. Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging.

34. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

35. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.