Joke: Us Military Stories

The following are jokes told by US Military personell. They poke¹ fun at various levels and divisions of the military and most are true stories. This has nothing to do with any current military news events. All our long term visitors know we support our troops fully² and appreciate what they risk everyday to protect our country...

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During training exercises, the lieutenant³ who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel.

"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside. "Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."

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Having just moved into his new office, a pompous⁴, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message.

In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir." Feeling as though he had sufficiently⁵ impressed the young enlisted⁶ man, he asked, "What do you want?" "Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."

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On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian⁷ aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?" The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine⁸ Corps⁹ aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to "Happy Hour".

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Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy¹⁰."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again!" "SOLDIER! Do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"

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Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?
A: He'll tell you.

Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?
A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.

Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?
A: A jet engine stops whining¹¹ when the plane shuts down.

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A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.

The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a Red Light District!" The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a house in a Red Light District smells like."

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"Well," snarled¹² the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman¹³. "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and urinate on my grave." "Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"