Heaven, I'm In Heaven...

Marty & Jane were driving home after an expensive - yet bland¹ - dinner. Since Marty's minor² heart attack 15 years ago, Jane had kept her hubby on a strict, low sodium³, low fat, low cholesterol⁴ diet, depriving him of all the foods he loved.

As Marty turned the corner at a busy intersection⁵, another car slammed into theirs, killing⁶ Marty & Jane instantly.

St. Peter greeted the couple at the Pearly Gates and took them on a tour of Heaven. Their first stop was a luxury mansion⁷: "Your new home," St. Peter told them.

Looking at the expensive marble floors, Marty asked, "How much is this going to cost us?"

"Nothing," St. Peter replied. "Everything is free in Heaven."

Next, they visited their new championship-style golf course.

"This is your private golf course," St. Peter said. "It changes daily, representing the greatest golf courses on Earth."

"What are the green fees?" Marty asked.

"This is Heaven," St. Peter said. "You play for free, my friend."

Then they went to the clubhouse and saw a lavish⁸ buffet⁹ made from the best cuisine¹⁰ Earth had to offer.

"How much to eat?" Marty asked.

St. Peter replied, "My friend, don't you understand yet? This is Heaven - it's all free!"

"I see," Marty said, scratching his chin. "Tell me, is that meal low sodium, low fat and low cholesterol?"

"No," St. Peter said. "And that's really the best part: You can eat as much as you like, of whatever you want, and never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!"

With that, Marty pitched a fit: He tossed his halo on the floor and took the Lord's name in vain (several times, in fact).

"Marty!" Jane cried. "What's wrong?"

Marty glared at his wife. "What's wrong? I'll tell you what's wrong! If it wasn't for your daggone bran muffins, I could have been here fifteen years ago!"