Deserted Islands

On a group of beautiful deserted¹ tropical islands in the middle of
nowhere, the following people are suddenly stranded² by, as you
might expect, a shipwreck³:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman, 2 French men and 1 French woman,
2 German men and 1 German woman,
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman,
2 English men and 1 English woman,
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman,
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman,
2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman,
2 American men and 1 American woman, and
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later on these same absolutely stunningly⁴ beautiful
desert (and deserted) islands in the middle of nowhere, the following
things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily
together in a menage-a-trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating
visits with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman
is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to
the English woman.

The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean,
another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy⁵, a liquor store, a
restaurant, and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in
order to supply employees for the store.

The two American men are contemplating⁶ the virtues⁷ of suicide
because the American woman keeps endlessly complaining about her body,the
true nature of feminism, how she can do everything they can do, the
necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand
and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her
opinion and treated her nicer than they do, how her relationship with her
mother is improving, and at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.

The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and
set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture
because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut⁸
whiskey.
But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.