GRE写作讲义(五)－习作评改4a

写作词汇
Original: To begin with, in our era, all kinds of information and messages are booming everyday.
Revised: In our times, we are exposed to a great deal of information.
 
Original: Maybe in some urgent conditions, political leaders have to withhold¹ information from the public to avoid the possible turbulence², but we can never say that is necessary, even if desirable.
Revised: Political leaders may sometimes have to withhold information from the public to avoid potential conflict, but this is never necessary, let alone desirable.
 
Original: In this era of democracy and the law becoming more and more complete, everyone realizes his own rights including the right to know the things that he is interested in or relative to.
Revised: In this modern era of democracy and established codes of law, everyone knows their rights, particularly when the subject bears immediate³ interest to them.
 
Original: People who are far away from New York never heard the disaster happening there.
Revised: Or people can turn a blind eye to momentous⁴ events, such as the September 11th attacks, just because they happened a long way away.
 
Original: Even if you only withhold a little information, the absence of it will surely hurt your people, further your society sooner or later because any information must has a close relation to these people or those, and will affect them at last.
Revised: Withholding⁵ even the most meager⁶ scrap⁷ of information hurts people, because however small it is, it will eventually have an impact on them.
 
Original: Complete information could help us to judge the environment in which we are and change our action according to others’ action, then the market gets to its balance.
Revised: A perfect flow of information helps us to evaluate the world in which we live, and temper our actions when we compare them to the actions of those around us.
 
Original: Though we are not discussing the market only, the importance of opening the information to the public also can be recognized from this.
Revised: It is a comment on society as well as markets, as it shows the value of opening up information to the public.
 
Original: There still has a question about the reputation about the government.
Revised: There is a still a question mark hanging over the reputation of the government.
 
Original: It must be noxious⁸ to people, to government, then to the whole society in long term.
Revised: But in the long-term this approach works to the detriment⁹ of society.
 
Original: Laws are the fundamentals of our society.
Revised: Laws are the fundamental backbone¹⁰ of society.
 
Original: All the rights such as freedom, democracy, and independence and so on we now hold can only be protected by the laws.
Revised: The rights that we hold dear, such as freedom, democracy and independence, exist because they are protected by law.
 
Original: Moreover, unjust laws poison our society and they penalize¹¹ innocent people rather than guilty ones. So we should resist unjust laws.
Revised: Unjust laws are a detriment to society and end up penalizing¹² innocent, rather than guilty people.
 
Original: The glorious Roman Empire is always reverenced¹³ more for its overall success than for any of its epic¹⁴ leaders, since society is an integral concept which is weighed by the gross population.
Revised: The Roman Empire is generally remembered for its overall success rather than for any single leader because society as a whole is more powerful than the individuals it is comprised of.
 
Original: There is no contradiction between the two as long as individual success offers benefit to the society.
Revised: As long as individual success adds to a society’s success, there is no contradiction between the two.
 
Original: Yet when improper¹⁵ individual prosperity, which is based on monopoly, deceiving other than fair play and hardworking, harms other people or the whole society, iron hand should be laid by government and other authorities to prohibit it so as to protect the overall society.
Revised: Only when individual success, relying on monopolies, unfair play and crime, harms other people and society, should the government and other authorities step in to protect society.
 
Original: Therefore, seen from the upper analysis, only both of the two assumptions are true that the significant decline of electricity consumption by the copper-extraction industry could be expected.
Revised: From the analysis above, we can see that only when both assumptions are true can a significant decline in electricity consumption be expected.
 
Original: Thus we come to it: individual well-being¹⁶ should always be confined within the overall success of a society in that the prosperity of a society promises everyone of the citizens a better premise¹⁷ and equal opportunity for personal success.
Revised: Therefore, individual well-being should always be viewed within the confines of a society’s well-being because a prosperous society offers its citizen a better life and more opportunities to be an individual success.