GRE写作讲义(五)－习作评改4b

Original: Modern people receive vast news and information of many kinds every day and are so overwhelmed by these factual news that they are not think much about larger issues or from overall perspectives.
Revised: Modern people are therefore overwhelmed with small pieces of factual information to the extent that they think little about the larger issues and fail to look at issues from an overall perspective.
 
Original: With the help of modern technologies, researchers get new findings and facts in all kinds of fields everyday, and through these facts and information most subjects and disciplines have gotten more and more specialized¹.
Revised: Modern technology’s facilitation of discoveries of little bits of information in many fields also contributes to the problem of obscuring the larger perspective.
 
Original: In addition, in people’s daily life, they have accustomed to being surrounded by news and information disseminated² through global mass media.
Revised: The dissemination³ of information through the global mass media, especially through television, likewise habituates people to getting information in small bites and not thinking about the bigger picture.
 
Original: For example, during the World War II, the American government carries out the famous Manhattan plan to develop the nuke.
For example, during World War II, the American government carried out the infamous⁴ Manhattan Project to develop the nuclear bomb.
 
Original: If the Manhattan would successfully develop the nuke, the battle effectiveness of the American’s military should be reinforce and take the advantages in the World War II.
If the Manhattan Project could successfully develop nuclear weapons, America’s military effectiveness could be reinforced and take on a strong advantage in the war effort.
 
Original: But sometimes the result of a research can cause much controversy⁵ in society.
Revised: But sometimes the result of research can stir up social controversy.
 
However, there are reasons to leave schools some margin⁶ in determining curriculum.
Revised: There are several reasons, however, to leave schools some leeway in determining curriculum.
 
Original: How we can clearly understand contemporary culture while culture is a so intricate notion that includes a wide varieties of idea and is usually disgusted by many confusing phenomena⁷?
Revised: How can we clearly understand contemporary culture, when culture is such an intricate notion, which encompasses⁸ a wide variety of ideas and which may be obscured by confusing external signals?
 
Original: A young man has an air of freedom and is keener to new things and fresh ideas than the old.
Revised: A young person has a freer spirit and is more receptive to new things and fresh ideas than an old person.
 
Original: So the youth are always more perspicacious⁹ than and usually closely catch up with the pace of development of a society or sometimes even lead current of social progress.
Revised: So young people are more perceptive¹⁰, and their lives usually march with the pace of development of a society.
 
Original: Moreover, it is easier to acquire messages of a culture from the young than from the old.
Revised: Moreover, it is easier to discern cultural trends by focusing on the young than by observing the old.
 
Original: Because a young man usually is more open-minded and has less restriction¹¹ in practicing their own believes:
Revised: Young people are usually more open-minded and less inhibited¹² about expressing their beliefs:
 
Original: One thing under the same situation, two person will give you disparage¹³ descriptions, for they are from different angles and have different perspectives.
Revised: Two people, finding themselves in the same situation, will describe it in different ways, for they look at the circumstances from alternative angles and have disparate perspectives.