你有权保持沉默

Your cell phone is ringing. Your inbox is overflowing¹. Your friend wants to discuss her son's glue-sniffing habit. Martha Beck has news for you—you don't have to Be There for all people all the time. Just follow her escape routes.

手机铃声响个不停，收件箱爆满，朋友想讨论她儿子吸强力胶（以达麻醉、迷幻效果）的习惯。Martha Beck告诉你——你不必事事、时时帮助每个人，遵循她的“逃跑”路线吧。

The great English writer E.M. Forster may have valued connection above all else, but for us 21st-century folks, disconnection is as necessary as connection for creating a healthy, happy life. When we force ourselves to connect against our heart's desires, we create false, resentful relationships; when we disconnect from the people who deplete² us, we set them free to find their tribes while we find ours. I've listed some of my favorite disconnection strategies below, in the hope that you might find them useful.

伟大英国作家爱德华·摩根·福斯特也许把关系看得比什么都重要，但是对21世纪的我们来说，想要过健康快乐的生活，脱离关系和拥有关系一样必要。违背心愿建立的关系是虚假、怨恨的关系；当我们脱离那些损耗我们的人，我们给了他们寻找同类的自由，也给了我们自己寻找同类的自由。下面列出了一些我最喜爱的脱离方法，希望有用。

1. Hide. Blame my high school English teacher—I'll call her Mrs. Jensen—who married at 17, bore her first child at 19, and was a farmwife and mother of four by age 22. When she felt overwhelmed, she'd retreat into a field of tall corn near her house and hide there, listening to her children search for her, until she heard a cry of genuine pain or felt ready to reconnect, whichever came first. "Martha," Mrs. Jensen told me, "every woman needs a cornfield. No matter what's happening in your life, find yourself a cornfield and hide there whenever you need to."

隐藏。想出这点子，都怪那个叫Jensen夫人的高中英语老师。她十七岁嫁人，十九岁生下第一个孩子，二十二岁时，这农妇是四个孩子的妈。当她感到无法应对时，她会躲入她家附近一片高玉米地，听着孩子寻找她的声音，直到听见真正痛苦的哭喊，或自己准备恢复与现实生活的联系。Jensen曾告诉我：“Martha，每个女人都需要一片玉米地。不管发生了什么，找到自己的一片玉米地，需要的时候躲起来。”

I've used hundreds of other "cornfields" over the years: cars, forests, hotels, bathrooms. I've been known to hide for days, but even a few minutes can calm my strung-out nerves—or yours. If you don't already have a cornfield, find one now.

长期以来，我用了很多“玉米地”：汽车、森林、宾馆、浴室。我能消失好几天，这一点让我出名了。但是即便几分钟也能平静我紧绷的神经。或者你也可以。如果你还没有一片玉米地，现在就找一个。

2. Go primitive³. We all know that technological⁴ advances have made connection easier than ever before. They've also led some people to think that breaking away is a violation⁵ of the social order. At such times, I become downright Amish, religiously committed to avoiding all modern communication technology. I unplug phones, computers, intercoms and fax machines, risking opprobrium⁶, because I know that if I don't lose touch with some of the people who are trying to reach me, I'll lose touch with myself. The over-connected me is a cranky, tired fussbudget. Silence is golden if it keeps me from broadcasting that fretful self into my network of treasured relationships.

回归原始。我们都知道技术进步让联系比以往任何时候都要容易。也让一些人认为逃避是对社交秩序的侵犯。这时候，我干脆变成一名门诺派教徒，虔诚地回避一切现代通讯技术。我冒着被骂的危险，把电话、电脑、对讲机、传真机都关了。因为我知道，如果我不躲开那些要联系我的人，我将失去自己。在过渡联系中的那个“我”是易怒、疲倦、吹毛求疵。如果沉默能避免烦躁的我损害珍贵的关系，那么它就是金。

3. Play favorites. Your ability to connect is a resource much more precious than money, so manage it well. Make a list of everyone to whom you feel bonded⁷, then consider what kind of return you're getting on your investment. It may sound cold-blooded to say you must divest⁸ yourself of the relationships that give you consistent losses, but unless you do this, you'll soon run out of capital, and you'll have no connection energy left to invest in anybody. So, please, decide now to deliberately⁹ limit the time and attention you spend on "low yield" relationships. Above all…

选宠。联络能力是一种比金钱更珍贵的东西，所以要好好管理。列出一份你感觉关系密切的人名单，然后考虑，从你的投资中会得到哪类回报。也许要让自己脱离那些无益你的关系。这么说听上去冷血，但是如果你不这么做，你将耗尽资本，无法投资给任何人。所以，请现在就有意识地限制对“低产”关系花的时间和注意力。首要一点......

4. Get rid of squid. Squid is my word for people who seem to be missing their backbones¹⁰ but possess myriad¹¹ sucking tentacles¹² of emotional need. Like many invertebrates¹³, squid appear limp and squishy—but once they get a grip on you, they're incredibly powerful. Masters at catalyzing¹⁴ guilt¹⁵ and obligation, they operate by squeezing pity from everyone they meet. Getting a squid out of your life is never pretty. Tell them straightforwardly¹⁶ that you want them, yes them, to leave now, yes, now. This will be unpleasant. There will be lasting¹⁷ hurt feelings. Don't worry. Squid love hurt feelings. They hoard¹⁸ them, trading them in for pity points when they find another victim—er, friend. Let them go, their coffers bulging¹⁹.

除掉鱿鱼. 在我的词汇力，鱿鱼是那些似乎没骨头，却长了无数“情感需求”吸吮盘的人。和许多无脊椎动物一样，鱿鱼看上去柔软黏糊——可是一旦它们将你抓住就变得无比有力。身为催成罪恶感和义务感的大师，他们的伎俩是从每个见到的人那里博得同情。要从你的生活中除去一只鱿鱼不容易。直接告诉他们，你希望他们，对，正是他们，现在离开，马上离开。这令人不快，会有持久受伤的感觉。别担心，鱿鱼喜欢受伤感觉。他们在囤积它们，在找到另一个受害人（呃，朋友)时，用它们来换取怜悯。让他们去，你充实了他们的“囤积”。

5. Be insensitive. This is a very compassionate²⁰ way to use your own psychological instincts. Instead of connecting with every person's problems, let yourself feel whether someone really needs your attention, or whether the best gift you can give might be a little abruptness²¹.

漠然。这是运用心理本能时很慈悲的做法。不要去关心每个人的麻烦，而是让自己感受别人是否是需要你的关注；也许你能给予的最好礼物是一点鲁莽。

6. Rehearse escape lines. When I'm overextended, I paradoxically become worse at setting boundaries. I end up resorting to rehearsed exit lines. Take the time to rehearse several reliable alternatives. Because, when you're exhausted²², a practiced excuse can keep you from wading²³ deeper into relationships you don't need and can't handle.

排练逃跑台词。当我把关系网拉得过大，我设置界限的能力会变糟。最终，我会排练逃避台词。花时间排练几种可靠选择。因为当你精疲力竭时，一个经过准备的借口能防止你淌入更深的浑水，避免你卷入既不需要也无法处理的关系。

7. Be shallow. Even staying in touch with a reasonably small number of high-quality people can be overwhelming if you tend toward emotional intensity²⁴. In such cases, shallowness can be a delightful²⁵ alternative. E-mail a stupid joke. Gather your friends to watch TV shows in which strangers paint one another's rooms the color of phlegm and then feign²⁶ mutual²⁷ delight. Once you know you can swim in the deep end of human connection, it's fun to splash around in the shallows.

肤浅。和阳春白雪的人群呆在一起，就算他们人数不多，如果你感性一点，就会觉得精神紧崩、喘不过气。这时候，肤浅可以是一个愉快的选择。发一封傻傻的笑话邮件。邀朋友一起看电视节目（节目中有人把别人房间漆成和痰一样的颜色，然后假装出大家同乐的样子）。既能在关系“深”处畅游，也能在“浅水”中嬉戏。

I hope you find these disconnection strategies as useful as I do. By striking a balance between the imperative²⁸ to "only connect" and the need for individuation, you really will relax your psyche²⁹ and your relationships, making your life as a whole more joyful³⁰, more loving.

我发现这些脱离策略很有用，希望你也这样认为。命令自己有选择地和他人联系，同时和对个性的需求保持平衡，你就将能放松心情和关系，让生活整体上更快乐、更有爱。