Happiness tip: perception shapes reality

One of the major principles of happiness – and this comes as a shock to no one – is that perception shapes reality. The way we view something determines our experience. I saw this during the Inauguration¹. A person could say, "It's fantastic to be here among so many people," or a person could say, "It's a pain to be stuck in these crowds and long lines." Same reality, different perception.

想要快乐须铭记一条原则，那就是“感知塑造现实”，谁也不会对这句话吃惊。我们看待事物的方式决定我们的体验。从就职仪式中我就发现了这一点。一个人可以说：“能和这么多人在这里真好!”另一个人也可以说：“陷入长长的队伍和人群中真痛苦。” 同样的现实，不一样的感受。

I realized the importance of characterization when I eavesdropped² on a few conversations between my three-year-old and her grandmother.

我无意中听到了我3岁女儿和她祖母的对话后，我发现了描述方式有多重要。

My daughter:"Can I please have some ice cream?" (Yes, she did say 'please'.)

我的女儿说：“请问我能吃一些冰激凌吗？” (是的，她说了‘请’。)

My mother-in-law:"Okay, but you had a cookie earlier, so I'm just going to give you a little bit."

我的岳母说：“好的，但是你刚才吃了一块饼干，我只再给你一点。”

My daughter:"No, no, I want a big bowl! Not a little bit."

我的女儿：“不，不，我要一大碗!不是一点。”

My mother-in-law:"Tonight you're going to go to bed nice and early."

我的岳母：“今晚你要乖乖地早些睡觉。”

My daughter:"No, no, no! Not early, I want to stay up late!"

我的女儿：“不，不! 不要早，要晚！”

Had my mother-in-law said, "I'm giving you a big scoop³" or "We're letting you stay up late," my daughter would have accepted that characterization instead of protesting. Same bowl of ice cream, same bedtime, different perception.

如果我的岳母说：“我给你一大勺”或“我让你晚些睡觉”，我的女儿也许就会接受这个“描述”而不会抗议了。同样大小的碗，同样的睡觉时间，不同的感知。

And this isn't just true of children. The other day, I was talking to an acquaintance, and the subject of happiness came up. She said, "Well, Gretchen, you dabble⁴ in the subject of happiness, don't you?"

这一情况不仅仅出现在儿童身上。前些天，我在和一位熟人谈话，聊到了快乐的话题。她说：“Gretchen，你在涉足快乐问题，是吗?”

Yes, in fact, I do dabble in the subject of happiness. I've been dabbling⁵ away for ten hours a day for more than three years now.

是的，事实上，我是在“涉足”快乐问题，最近三年多来每天10小时地“涉足”了。

I'm proud to say that I handled it nicely in the moment, but I'm embarrassed to admit how much this characterization annoyed me. My reaction doesn't speak well of me, at all; I know perfectly⁶ well that this person has no particular reason to know what I'm up to and that she didn't mean to bug⁷ me – yet I found it hard not to feel irritated with that particular characterization.

我很自豪当时自己很好地应对了这一情况，但是不好意思，我要承认这个人的描述方式惹恼了我。我完全不该有那样消极的反应，因为我很清楚那人没必要知道我所做的，而且她不是有意要气我。可我发现，不被这种“描述”惹恼是很难的一件事。

It's helpful to "Watch the characterizations" when we're speaking to other people, and it's also important when we're characterizing things for ourselves. One of the challenges of my happiness project is to try to be more positive and lighthearted -- without being fake and superficial.

当我们对别人说话的时候，“注意描述方式”是有益的，而且，我们如何向自己描述事物也很重要。我的快乐计划中一个挑战是让自己更积极、更轻松，但不虚假或流于表面。

Often, I've found that I can characterize something in a way that's more positive, but just as truthful⁸. For example, "That meal was very filling," instead of "That meal was very heavy." Or "The play had a lot of great moments." instead of "The third act of the play was boring." Sometimes, of course, I'm trying to make a specific critical point, and that's fine, but sometimes remembering to "Watch the characterization" allows me to make my point in a less negative way – in particular, to myself.

我发现我经常能用一个更为积极的方式来描述某件事，并且同样做到真实。例如：“那顿饭很令人心满意足。”而不是：“那顿饭很撑。”；或：“这个节目有许多精彩的地方。”而不是：“这戏的第三幕很无聊。”当然，有时候，我要做出明确的批评，那没关系，只要记住“注意描述方式”就让我能表达观点时少一点消极——尤其对自己表达的时候。