竞选州长

A few months ago I was nominated for Governor of the great state of New York, to run against Mr. John T. Smith and Mr. Blank J. Blank on an independent ticket. I somehow felt that I had one prominent advantage over these gentlemen, and that was--good character. It was easy to see by the newspapers that if ever they had known what it was to bear a good name, that time had gone by. It was plain that in these latter years they had become familiar with all manner of shameful¹ crimes. But at the very moment that I was exalting² my advantage and joying in it in secret, there was a muddy undercurrent of discomfort³ "riling" the deeps of my happiness, and that was--the having to hear my name bandied about in familiar connection with those of such people. I grew more and more disturbed. Finally I wrote my grandmother about it. Her answer came quick and sharp. She said:

 

You have never done one single thing in all your life to be ashamed of--not one. Look at the newspapers--look at them and comprehend what sort of characters Messrs. Smith and Blank are, and then see if you are willing to lower yourself to their level and enter a public canvass⁴ with them.

 

It was my very thought! I did not sleep a single moment that night. But, after all, I could not recede⁵.

 

I was fully⁶ committed, and must go on with the fight. As I was looking listlessly over the papers at breakfast I came across this paragraph, and I may truly say I never was so confounded before.

 

PERJURY⁷.--Perhaps, now that Mr. Mark Twain is before the people as a candidate for Governor, he will condescend⁸ to explain how he came to be convicted of perjury by thirty-four witnesses in Wakawak, Cochin China, in 1863, the intent of which perjury being to rob a poor native widow and her helpless family of a meager⁹ plantain-patch, their only stay and support in their bereavement¹⁰ and desolation. Mr. Twain owes it to himself, as well as to the great people whose suffrages¹¹ he asks, to clear this matter up. Will he do it?

 

I thought I should burst with amazement¹²! Such a cruel, heartless charge! I never had seen Cochin China! I never had heard of Wakawak! I didn't know a plantain-patch from a kangaroo! I did not know what to do. I was crazed and helpless. I let the day slip away without doing anything at all. The next morning the same paper had this--nothing more:

 

SIGNIFICANT.--Mr. Twain, it will be observed, is suggestively silent about the Cochin China perjury.

 

[Mem.--During the rest of the campaign this paper never referred to me in any other way than as "the infamous¹³ perjurer¹⁴ Twain."]

 

Next came the Gazette, with this:

 

WANTED TO KNOW.--Will the new candidate for Governor deign¹⁵ to explain to certain of his fellow-citizens (who are suffering to vote for him!) the little circumstance of his cabin-mates in Montana losing small valuables from time to time, until at last, these things having been invariably found on Mr. Twain's person or in his "trunk" (newspaper he rolled his traps in), they felt compelled to give him a friendly admonition for his own good, and so tarred and feathered him, and rode him on a rail; and then advised him to leave a permanent vacuum in the place he usually occupied in the camp. Will he do this?

 

Could anything be more deliberately¹⁶ malicious¹⁷ than that? For I never was in Montana in my life.

 

[After this, this journal customarily spoke¹⁸ of me as, "Twain, the Montana Thief."]

 

I got to picking up papers apprehensively--much as one would lift a desired blanket which he had some idea might have a rattlesnake under it. One day this met my eye:

 

THE LIE NAILED.--By the sworn affidavits¹⁹ of Michael O'Flanagan, Esq., of the Five Points, and Mr. Snub Rafferty and Mr. Catty Mulligan, of Water Street, it is established that Mr. Mark Twain's vile²⁰ statement that the lamented²¹ grandfather of our noble standard- bearer, Blank J. Blank, was hanged for highway robbery, is a brutal²² and gratuitous²³ LIE, without a shadow of foundation in fact. It is disheartening to virtuous²⁴ men to see such shameful means resorted to to achieve political success as the attacking of the dead in their graves, and defiling²⁵ their honored names with slander²⁶. When we think of the anguish²⁷ this miserable²⁸ falsehood must cause the innocent relatives and friends of the deceased, we are almost driven to incite²⁹ an outraged³⁰ and insulted public to summary and unlawful vengeance³¹ upon the traducer³². But no! let us leave him to the agony of a lacerated conscience (though if passion should get the better of the public, and in its blind fury they should do the traducer bodily injury, it is but too obvious that no jury could convict and no court punish the perpetrators of the deed).

 

The ingenious closing sentence had the effect of moving me out of bed with despatch³³ that night, and out at the back door also, while the "outraged and insulted public" surged in the front way, breaking furniture and windows in their righteous indignation as they came, and taking off such property as they could carry when they went. And yet I can lay my hand upon the Book and say that I never slandered³⁴ Mr. Blank's grandfather. More: I had never even heard of him or mentioned him up to that day and date.

 

[I will state, in passing, that the journal above quoted from always referred to me afterward³⁵ as "Twain, the Body-Snatcher."]

 

The next newspaper article that attracted my attention was the following:

 

A SWEET CANDIDATE.--Mr. Mark Twain, who was to make such a blighting³⁶ speech at the mass-meeting of the Independents last night, didn't come to time! A telegram from his physician stated that he had been knocked down by a runaway³⁷ team, and his leg broken in two places--sufferer lying in great agony, and so forth³⁸, and so forth, and a lot more bosh of the same sort. And the Independents tried hard to swallow the wretched subterfuge³⁹, and pretend that they did not know what was the real reason of the absence of the abandoned creature whom they denominate their standard-bearer. A certain man was seen to reel into Mr. Twain's hotel last night in a state of beastly intoxication⁴⁰. It is the imperative⁴¹ duty of the Independents to prove that this besotted brute⁴² was not Mark Twain himself. We have them at last! This is a case that admits of no shirking. The voice of the people demands in thunder tones, "WHO WAS THAT MAN?"

 

It was incredible, absolutely incredible, for a moment, that it was really my name that was coupled with this disgraceful suspicion. Three long years had passed over my head since I had tasted ale, beer, wine or liquor or any kind.

 

[It shows what effect the times were having on me when I say that I saw myself, confidently dubbed⁴³ "Mr. Delirium⁴⁴ Tremens Twain" in the next issue of that journal without a pang--notwithstanding I knew that with monotonous⁴⁵ fidelity⁴⁶ the paper would go on calling me so to the very end.]

 

By this time anonymous⁴⁷ letters were getting to be an important part of my mail matter. This form was common

 

How about that old woman you kiked of your premises⁴⁸ which was beging. POL. PRY⁴⁹.

 

And this:

 

There is things which you Have done which is unbeknowens to anybody but me. You better trot⁵⁰ out a few dots, to yours truly, or you'll hear through the papers from HANDY ANDY.

 

This is about the idea. I could continue them till the reader was surfeited⁵¹, if desirable.

 

Shortly the principal Republican journal "convicted" me of wholesale⁵² bribery⁵³, and the leading Democratic paper "nailed" an aggravated⁵⁴ case of blackmailing⁵⁵ to me.

 

[In this way I acquired two additional names: "Twain the Filthy⁵⁶ Corruptionist" and "Twain the Loathsome⁵⁷ Embracer."]

 

By this time there had grown to be such a clamor for an "answer" to all the dreadful charges that were laid to me that the editors and leaders of my party said it would be political ruin for me to remain silent any longer. As if to make their appeal the more imperative, the following appeared in one of the papers the very next day:

 

BEHOLD⁵⁸ THE MAN!--The independent candidate still maintains silence. Because he dare not speak. Every accusation⁵⁹ against him has been amply proved, and they have been indorsed and reindorsed by his own eloquent⁶⁰ silence, till at this day he stands forever convicted. Look upon your candidate, Independents! Look upon the Infamous Perjurer! the Montana Thief! the Body-Snatcher! Contemplate⁶¹ your incarnate⁶² Delirium Tremens! your Filthy Corruptionist! your Loathsome Embracer! Gaze upon him--ponder him well--and then say if you can give your honest votes to a creature who has earned this dismal⁶³ array of titles by his hideous⁶⁴ crimes, and dares not open his mouth in denial of any one of them!

 

There was no possible way of getting out of it, and so, in deep humiliation⁶⁵, I set about preparing to "answer" a mass of baseless charges and mean and wicked falsehoods. But I never finished the task, for the very next morning a paper came out with a new horror, a fresh malignity⁶⁶, and seriously charged me with burning a lunatic asylum⁶⁷ with all its inmates⁶⁸, because it obstructed⁶⁹ the view from my house. This threw me into a sort of panic. Then came the charge of poisoning my uncle to get his property, with an imperative demand that the grave should be opened. This drove me to the verge⁷⁰ of distraction⁷¹. On top of this I was accused of employing toothless and incompetent⁷² old relatives to prepare the food for the foundling' hospital when I warden⁷³. I was wavering--wavering. And at last, as a due and fitting climax⁷⁴ to the shameless persecution⁷⁵ that party rancor⁷⁶ had inflicted⁷⁷ upon me, nine little toddling⁷⁸ children, of all shades of color and degrees of raggedness⁷⁹, were taught to rush onto the platform at a public meeting, and clasp me around the legs and call me PA!

 

I gave it up. I hauled down my colors and surrendered. I was not equal to the requirements of a Gubernatorial campaign in the state of New York, and so I sent in my withdrawal⁸⁰ from the candidacy, and in bitterness of spirit signed it, "Truly yours, once a decent man, but now

 

"MARK TWAIN, LP., M.T., B.S., D.T., F.C., and L.E."

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